As the pace of family life has cranked up, the frequency of posts has declined. I could offer apologies and promises but in reality I would not be able to fulfil them. Our reality is that we are a busy family of six and keeping all the balls in air takes a lot of time and effort. As the end of term approaches we are caught up in a round of prize givings, sports days, end of term parties and performances. There hasn't been much time to write about our lives, once again we have been too busy surviving it!
Although we are currently in one of our crazy time of the years, along with many other families, living and breathing as a family of 6 means life is never truly quiet. Truthfully the gauge hovers between ' barely copying' and 'flat out bonkers' all year around. There is always a match, class, show, audition,rehearsal, party or lesson hovering somewhere on the horizon. My consumption of wine has steadily decreased over the last few years, not because I need or enjoy it less, but because I am nearly always driving!!
Inevitably it means that certain Moglets at certain times will end up somewhere they don't want to be. They might be driving to watch a cricket match when they really want to be playing in the garden. They might have to miss that all important televised match because someone else needs picking up from a rehearsal. Every family has to give and take, but when you have three brothers and sisters the process is ongoing and frantic.
So whats the big deal I here you ask? What going on here of note? This happens to everyone, anyone with a sibling has to bend and compromise sometimes.
Absolutely. But the key word here is sometimes. Try to imagine that you are the sibling of a child with a learning difficulty, or a physical handicap, or Autistic Spectrum Disorder, or any other special need. A need which means that it feels like your life is one huge compromise.
I know that over the years, both before and after diagnosis, Moglets 1, 3, and 4 have probably made a disproportionate number of compromises for Moglet number 2. I don't make this statement with regret or melodrama. I make it merely as a statement of fact. It is a fact that we have had to cut short visits and trips when the level of sensory stimulation was reaching overload. It is a fact that we haven't always had the best-bang-in-the-middle-of-row-seats at the theatre or cinema; end of rows mean a quicker exit when a movement break is needed. It's a fact that three of my Moglets have always had to share rooms or beds on holidays, while Moglet number 2 has not.
There has always been sound reasoning behind these decisions. They were always made to make our lives easier on balance. Yet sometimes I know it appeared hugely unfair to my other Moglets. I know that when you are 5, 6 or 7 years old and having the most amazing fun, being told its ending, sometimes abruptly, is impossible to understand. You don't want to hear reason and a long winded explanation. You don't want anyone trying to appeal to your better nature and you at that moment don't really care about your brother.
I would love to say that my Moglets are made of sugar and spice and all things nice. And that they have always smiled graciously and never complained. That they have had complete understanding of their brother and his needs, that they have never needed reminding about kind words, deeds and thoughts.
It would be a lie. In reality there has been a fair share of slugs, snails and puppy dogs tails. They have not always been gracious.Yes, sometimes they have accepted huge disappoints with a stoicism beyond their years. But sometimes there have been anger, and tears, and resentment,an frustration.
And no one can blame them. Accepting any kind of restriction as a child is difficult, so why should this situation be any different. As a family we have had to explain the limits and challenges thrown at us by dyspraxia many, many times. I have had to remind my Moglets of tolerance and understanding everyday, sometimes feeling like I am getting nowhere. I have had to explain that just because Moglet number 2 gets X, doesn't mean he is loved more. Also just because he does Y doesn't mean that it is acceptable behaviour. To them, without careful explanation and a level of tolerance that is sometimes far beyond their years, life can seem just plain unfair.
I know that although dyspraxia limits us as a family at times, other families are limited every single day in any number of ways by disability or illness. In my professional experience one of the greatest pains for parents living with the challenges of SEN is the impact it has on their other children. Often proud parents only accept respite care in order to spend quality time with these children. It is a huge source of guilt that they regularly have to pass up normal opportunities for siblings, due to the needs of their disabled child.
It is a fact that siblings are often over looked in this process. Not by parents, but by the wider world of support. No one should underestimate the strain such siblings are placed under. The pull for normality in a world where nothing is remotely normal is a painful journey, which requires sensitive and careful handling, to order to stop frustration souring into resentment.
But the picture isn't all black and bleak.
I can only talk, or blog, from experience. Both my own personal experience with my herd of Moglets and my experience working with a range of diverse SEN families.
So yes, there are tears and frustrations, difficulties and perceived missed opportunities.
But there are also wonderful moments. Moments when real empathy and understanding develop and play out before your very eyes. This understanding is carried forward into the world and with it a kindness, a level of selflessness that is humbling to see.I believe my own Moglets have a greater understanding of personal needs, hidden or obvious, thanks to their own first hand experience. They are not perfect, they don't always get it right. Yet I know that they are more likely than some to stop short of making a snap judgement about someone's behaviour or appearance. Their own lives aren't black and white and they appreciate the shades of grey.
So this post is dedicated to Moglets 1, 3 and 4. I understand the things that have frustrated you. I can't promise it won't happen again. I think we will be having the 'Fair doesn't mean equal.' argument for many years to come!
But thank you for all the times you have moved aside for your brother. Thank you for understanding when things go pear shaped. Thank you for walking out of the concert with your brother under a thousand beady eyes when he needed that movement break.
Every single small thing you do is hugely appreciated and take this away with you...
I truly believe that the compassion and understanding of SEN siblings has the potential, in some small way, to change the world.
Thank you.
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CategoriesRachelI am a Mum of four fantastic children (or Moglets), one of whom just happens to have Dyspraxia. ArchivesP.s The RSS Feed button is the FOLLOW button!!! In case you are technically challenged like me!! Or follow us on Twitter: @rmc19
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